How can women use assertive communication techniques effectively? “I’m sorry to bother you, but…”? Or have you apologized if someone else bumped into you on the street?
As women, we can find ourselves apologizing a lot or hesitating to be blunt about something. But what effect does this have on us?
Anne Dickson, a psychologist and author who has been working on assertive communication methods for over forty years, explained why assertive communication is important and shared tips on how to master it on BBC Radio’s “Woman’s Hour” program.
Why is assertive communication important?
Dickson says that assertive communication is “clear and direct communication”. “It’s important that it’s not aggressive,” he says:
“It is more like behaving as an equal. So it’s not about suppressing, belittling or humiliating another person. But you treat the other person’s needs and your own needs equally. This means taking responsibility for what you want and being clear about it.
“For example, let’s say there is a woman at the top of her profession. Maybe she is a doctor and she is very confident and very successful. But facing a male colleague, she may feel intimidated.
“Why? Because the man will never doubt his right to be on top, because he has centuries of tradition behind him.
“Knowing how to deal with these situations is one of the empowering things for women. How do I speak differently? How do I stand up? How do I approach things differently?”
Here are Anne Dickson’s five ways to master assertive communication:
1. Give yourself space to think
“We often find it hard to say a clear ‘No’ when we’re asked,” says Dickson. “Instead of mumbling something vague or agreeing to something you don’t want to do and then making an excuse, give yourself time.
“If you feel any hesitation when asked about something, say clearly: ‘I’m not sure. I’d like an hour, a day or a week to think about it. ‘ That way you have a chance to make a decision without the pressure of the moment.”
2. Acknowledge your feelings
“Try identifying a feeling (anxiety, discomfort, anger, hurt) and acting on it without censoring yourself. Acknowledging your feelings is an important first step to effective communication, because pretending not to feel something will weaken and distort what you want to say. You can then learn to put your feelings into words.”
3. Listen to what your brain is telling you
“When your intuition tells you that you cannot trust a person or situation, that is your reality. Instead of telling yourself to be rational or clinging to a fantasy you wish were true, trust your inner voice.”
4. Don’t always try to be loved
“The need for approval undermines our authority. By concluding a situation while maintaining your self-respect, others will respect you too. This is often better than being constantly liked.
“Practice exercising authority without aggression. When you clearly communicate decisions, give instructions or criticize, the commitment to equality means giving the other person space to express their reaction to what you say.”
5. Wait until you have the other person’s full attention
“Never start a conversation with someone when they are looking at a screen, talking on the phone, reading something, talking to someone else – when their attention is not fully on you.
“It takes practice and you may feel awkward waiting. But if you start talking when someone’s attention is elsewhere, it sends a subtle message that what you are saying is not worth listening to.”
How can women use assertive communication techniques effectively?
